


Vices

by Jaiden_S, Talullah



Category: Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-24
Updated: 2013-01-24
Packaged: 2017-11-26 17:11:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/652554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaiden_S/pseuds/Jaiden_S, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talullah/pseuds/Talullah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tipsy musings among friends. Glorfindel and Erestor debate the merits of friendship, wine and the best ass in Imladris.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vices

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback: We'd love some.  
> Archive: Library of Moria and AO3. Others are welcomed, but please ask first.  
> Disclaimer: The characters are not ours. They belong to the estate of J.R.R. Tolkien and God knows who else. No disrespect intended. No profit made.
> 
> Written for the International Day of Slash, July 1st 2006.
> 
> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/132238694@N03/38218945416/in/dateposted-public/)

**Imladris, Third Age**

A lovely sunset spread out though the hilltops for the viewing pleasure of the Elves of Imladris, gracing their celebration of Midsummer. The day had been long and pleasant, filled with music, food and wine, but the promise of a cool nocturnal breeze held the celebrants in the gardens, far from their beds and decorous sleep.

Two friends watched from their comfortable divans the children's games, the persistent Elves who still danced on Elrond's lawn, and the scattered groups of perhaps gossipy elves. If asked, they would prefer to attribute their somnolence to the heat of the afternoon, but in truth, they had happily downed fresh white wine all afternoon long, under the pretence of aiding their Lord in getting rid of an inferior vintage. Generous as they were, they had grown silent for a while. At last, one broke the silence.

"Want some?" Glorfindel lazily offered a cup full of raisins to his neighbour on the terrace.

The other elf groaned in ripe discomfort. "Elbereth! If I eat another bite I'll burst."

Glorfindel grinned, looking at his friend from the corner of his eye. "Nah... but people might start thinking that by some miraculous act you are expecting..."

Erestor snorted. "Yes, right. And I'm betting you'd love to be known as the one responsible for such a feat."

Glorfindel chuckled at the thought. "Lindir wouldn't be pleased... but I think it would suit my vanity just fine." He petted his own hair and preened in a most conceited way to illustrate his view on the power of his charms.

Erestor shook his head in amusement. "What a fine pair we are: a glutton and a peacock."

"Yes," Glorfindel quipped, "but I'm pleased to say that your gluttony will abate after the celebrations, while my vanity shall remain intact in all its glory for many years to come."

"Oh but you forget I'm vain, too!" Erestor tipped his nose up in mock self-importance.

"Thank Manwë, neither of us is modest, though. Can you imagine anything more boring?"

Erestor grinned. "True. But we do not share the same variety of arrogance."

"How so?" Glorfindel shifted on his divan to better hear Erestor.

"Well," Erestor started, "I take pride in what's mine, while you take pride in yourself."

"Ah, you mean those stacks of dusty, mouldy, moth-eaten scrolls?" Glorfindel returned to his reclined position with a short laugh.

"I would use other terms to describe the finest library on Middle-earth," Erestor chided, " but I actually meant my darling Mel."

"Oh? He's not something to be owned..."

"Yes, but he is mine, nonetheless, and has the finest ass in Arda." Erestor grinned smugly and eyed his companion with a look of pure impish delight. "And that includes yours."

"So say you!" Glofindel sat up abruptly in faux indignation. "It's a matter of opinion, and I'm sure Lindir would strongly disagree. He thinks my ass is divine. He tells me so himself."

"Well that's hardly the point. The point is that if we were to discuss asses, you'd wax poetically about your own-" 

"Damn right, I would," Glorfindel interrupted.

"...while I, the owner of a very fine ass myself, would always prefer to praise the virtues of my lover's ass. It's purely a matter of perspective." 

"Humpff." Glorfindel stuffed a handful of raisins in his mouth and chewed indignantly while Erestor smiled at him in amused silence.

"I do think you are making inferences on a deeper level, with all this talk," Glorfindel added after gulping down his raisins. "Lindir!" he called.

Lindir came obediently from the lawn. 

"Darling, do you think I'm self-obsessed?" Glorfindel asked. He glanced over at Erestor, eyebrow cocked expectantly, the traces of a cocksure grin hovering on the corners of his mouth. 

"Well, maybe just a little." Lindir's unexpected answer effectively destroyed his smile, and left Erestor giggling helplessly in his chair. Glorfindel seethed, and this time his frustration was quite real.

"Mel! Melpomaen!" Glorfindel barked loudly. Several heads turned, but Erestor's dark-haired lover seemed oblivious. "Meeeeellll!!" Glorfindel bellowed, cupping his hands around his mouth.

Eventually, the scribe turned his head and saw Glorfindel enthusiastically waving for him to approach them. He plodded his way across the garden like a haggard mule, and bowed in stoic greeting once he reached the other Elves.

Glorfindel was so intent on making a point that he actually ignored a perfect opportunity to mercilessly tease Mel for being as lively as a statue. It was utterly out of character, but he had more important things on his mind… namely, proving Erestor wrong.

"Mel, I want to ask you a question."

Melpomaen nodded solemnly.

"Do you think..." Glorfindel paused casting Erestor a wicked glance, "that Erestor is self-obsessed?" 

Melpomaen's lips quirked a tiny bit. He cleared his throat, looked around, and answered, "Well, maybe not as much as others I know..."

"Ah!!" Erestor and Glorfindel exclaimed simultaneously.

"What do you mean 'Ah!'?" Glorfindel asked, his voice rising in indignation. "He didn't say you weren't, he just said-"

"That there are others far worse, and we can assume he meant you."

"I did not!" Melpomaen cut in, but the glint in his eye said otherwise.

While the three Elves eyed each other in uneasy silence, Lindir snickered from behind Melpomaen. Now, this was getting interesting! Erestor, normally a bastion of self-control, looked as if he were ready to take off his boot and throttle Mel to within an inch of his life for not supporting him. Melpomaen glared at Glorfindel with undisguised jealousy, unfounded but typical. Glorfindel's face resembled a cherry tomato as his narrowed eyes darted between Mel and Erestor. In fact, from where Lindir stood, he thought he could see the little vein in Glorfindel's temple begin to throb…Elbereth! Things were rapidly spiralling out of control. Lindir swallowed a chuckle and stepped up quickly to grab Melpomaen's elbow.

"Mel, let's get some wine and raisins for ourselves." He forced Melpomaen to turn and added from under his breath, "They're sotted and we may as well join them, especially if we want any hope of getting laid tonight..."

Melpomaen straightened his back and cast a glance over his shoulder. For a second Lindir thought he would prefer to play the upright, proper elf, but even as they turned to the wine table, he winked at Lindir, and quipped loud enough to be heard, "Better not get your hopes up – hope will be the only thing getting up in your bedroom tonight. Mine, too."

Glorfindel and Erestor exchanged an appalled look. "Bloody little buggers!!" They leapt to their feet, but in his haste, Glorfindel tripped on the leg of Erestor's divan and Erestor bumped into him, sending them both tumbling to the floor.

"Meh... Let them be," Glorfindel said as he crawled back to his divan and sprawled helplessly in it. He groped in the general direction of his wine glass. It was too much effort to sit up and get the damned thing.

"Eh, they'll have their turn," Erestor agreed once he had pulled himself back into his chair.

Lindir poured Mel a brimming glass of wine and cocked his head in Glorfindel's direction. "Pride goeth before a fall…or in this case, gluttony," he quipped with a cheeky grin. 

Mel laughed softly and tilted his head in closer to whisper, "We should start a rumour that Erestor really is with child. Just look at the way his robe is stretched over his midsection…I daresay more than a few here in Imladris would believe it."

Lindir nearly choked on his wine. "Truly? And how, exactly, would you explain the…erm…mechanics of such a situation?"

"Much as I'd like to take credit, I'd blame it on Sauron for added interest. He could be trying to breed a new type of soldier or some such rot." Mel grinned behind his wineglass as he took a dainty sip.

Lindir laughed out loud. "And he'd choose Erestor to be his brood mare? How fitting!" His eyes then fell on Glorfindel, who lay sprawled and lifeless like a sack of horse feed. "Better him than Glorfindel. If he chose my mate to host his brood, they would be born with perfect bottoms and tongues sharp enough to slice bread. Sauron would regret that within days."

Mel's eyes gleamed with mischief. "Personally, I would love to be present for the birthing process. Wouldn't that be something to record for the ages? Erestor would demand his own room, complete with healer and strolling minstrel to sooth his nerves, whereas Glorfindel would be so worried about the state of his perfect ass, they'd have to knock him out to deliver the child."

By this time, Erestor had given up any pretences of conversation with Glorfindel and turned to stare at his mate in open-mouthed shock. "Mel!! Is that any way for you to be acting?"

Melpomaen tried not to laugh. He tried very hard indeed, even going so far as to clamp his hand over his mouth, but a snort of hilarity burst forth from between his fingers, and soon he and Lindir were doubled over with laughter.

Erestor was aghast.

"Glorfindel! They're making fun of us!"

Glorfindel groaned and flung a half-hearted glance over his shoulder at the giggling Elves. "No, Erestor. They're making fun of you." He eyed Erestor's bulging tummy and then patted his own flat abdomen. "There isn't any room in my belly to host an Elfling. You, on the other hand, could easily carry twins."

Even from across the terrace, Mel could tell that Erestor's feelings had been hurt. Casting a weak smile at Lindir, he ambled over to Erestor and wrapped his arms around his pouting mate. "I'm sorry for teasing you, love. Forgive me? We can go back to the room and relax."

"And practice making Elflings," teased Glorfindel, who ducked to avoid a handful of raisins flung by Mel…and followed quickly thereafter by Erestor’s empty wineglass.

"What a great idea," replied Erestor, with sudden inspiration. Quick as a flash, he grabbed Mel's arm and jerked him down onto his lap so that Mel's bottom faced Glorfindel. Erestor gave it a sharp smack with the palm of his hand, eliciting a surprised yelp from Mel and a grin from Glorfindel.

"Best ass in all of Arda," noted Erestor with the proper satisfaction of ownership and a good come-back. "And it's mine."

 _Finis_  
_June 2006_


End file.
